As a cancer survivor I have a tendency to divide my life into two parts—in my mind there’s a well-defined partition, a psychological wall separating before and after ovarian cancer struck me almost 12 years ago. The truth is none of us escape cancer unscathed, it’s a life-changing and life-altering disease. Some cancer patients even describe their experience as being reborn and staring life anew. 

Each July as my birthday aproaches I’m grateful to be alive, but also uncomfortably aware that my cancer could easily recur. The reality is that another birthday, another year on this earth, is promised to no one. This July I turn 58 and I have some advice I’d like to share, especially with people who are younger or who have not experienced any serious health issues.

• Make an effort to appreciate each moment in life and whenever possible spend time with those you care about. I’ve witnessed far too many members of the ovarian community pass away young, some confined to a palliative care bed in what should have been the prime of their life. Sadly, I’ve also lost friends and family members prematurely due to various causes. Cherish the present, try to make today the best day possible because tomorrow is never guaranteed.

• Stop struggling to live up to other people’s expectations, don’t sacrifice your happiness in an attempt to please them all the time. Above all get to know yourself and understand who you really are. Since my cancer diagnosis I’ve been discovering who I am, aside from the mask that I wore to fit into codependent family dynamics. Examining my past interactions with my family, I now realize that there were circumstances when I felt compelled to play a particular role in order to be loved and accepted by them.

• Investing in yourself is always the best choice, so believe in yourself and pursue your dreams. It’s almost never too late to get that extra education, switch careers, or learn a new thing. Even in your sixties or seventies, in most cases you can still write that book, start painting or pursue your secret passion. Your future, your mental health and your overall well-being ultimately depend on you continuing to learn and grow.

• It’s the things you didn’t experience and the goals you didn’t pursue hard enough that you’ll regret as you become older or if you become chronically ill. Go for it, whatever it is just try. Maybe you’ll make it or maybe you won’t. The result isn’t the point, your journey, your growth, is the most important issue. Don’t let anyone convince you that you shouldn’t try. Their fear is theirs, it’s not yours to carry.

• No one thinks about you or the significance of every minor episode in your life more than you do. That mistake you made at work or that embarrassing thing you said two years ago that still keeps you up at night? The reality is that no one else involved is likely to even remember the incident, so just honour the memory and let it go. Releasing it will bring you peace of mind.

• You’ll discover that friendships and other kinds of relationships change. Moving on from a personal or professional relationship doesn’t mean it wasn’t important, it just means that it no longer serves you. I’ve also come to realize that you don’t have to feel guilty about setting boundaries or removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend or a new acquaintance—you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. 

• Remember that life isn’t fair, no matter how much you yearn for it to be. Psychologists have observed that as human beings we tend to uphold something called the just world hypothesis or just world fallacy. We cling to the idea that the world is a fair and orderly place where what happens to people generally is what they deserve. Naturally, when we suffer something unspeakable such as a cancer diagnosis, our sense of stability and our belief in a just or fair world is severely shaken—we try, but we can no longer rationalize much of what we previously thought was true. 

• Don’t overlook the fact that in order to be respected and loved by others you must first learn to respect and love yourself. You shouldn’t feel unworthy, because you’re enough. I don’t care what your parents told you, or your teachers, or anyone else. The next time you’re having a self-denigrating thought ask yourself what you would say to someone else feeling that way. What would you tell them? Try applying this same kind of gentle guidance to yourself. Most of all, acknowledge how strong you are to have made it this far in your life. You are important, you are brave, and you are resilient.